The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.