Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
You Might Also Like
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Animal poetry
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch