*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Follow me for more life hacks.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶