Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
This is sending me to another galaxy
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.