There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
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-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.