The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
You Might Also Like
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
notice
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
A little too much information.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.