PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.