*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
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You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.