Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
is nasa ok
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”