Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
You Might Also Like
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
don’t be scared
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic