English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
You Might Also Like
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
had to make it
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
The struggle is real.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.