[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
You Might Also Like
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Finally!
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.