Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.