You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.