Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Dear Lord..
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Buck naked
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”