Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
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“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.