[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings