I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
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how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.