Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
💻🤡
What even happened today?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
This is not me but this is me
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy