If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
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Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut