My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”