I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Buck naked
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.