It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today