[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock