Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”