My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
what day is it?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Blew out my flip flop…
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.