Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Human are so complicated
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Me irl
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat