Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
File under excellent bookstore names.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Bruh PLEASE
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology