so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Looking at you, Jesus.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty