gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
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You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.