love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
A dad and his duck
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?