When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Perfect
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it鈥檚 started an OnlyFans account.
I hope you don鈥檛 feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that鈥檚 how the fight started.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
why can鈥檛 there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Coffee for people with no kids
Son: but I don鈥檛 like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
doctor: i鈥檓 afraid you鈥檙e dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 馃檨
doctor: but we鈥檒l treat you asbestos we can.
me: 馃槀
It鈥檚 really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I鈥檒l be a wombat.