*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to