Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.