I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Well, this explains it:
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?