if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.