Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it