I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
You Might Also Like
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Real House Wines.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk