Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale