i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You Might Also Like
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I love the honesty
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”