[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
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I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
May have had one breakfast too many
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.