Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD