We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
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[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?