Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
School be like
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.