“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
You Might Also Like
This could be us… but you playing
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Ah yes. The three genders