We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
You Might Also Like
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
still the best tweet of the year by far
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them