[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
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Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
me and the Superbowl rn
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags