*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*