Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*