CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[eats all your cotton candy]
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler